Head Over Heels
by missmaggiemaybe
Summary: " I look him right in the eye and then plunge my lips on his, not caring about anything else but Eli and this moment." Seventeen year old Clare Edwards has been given an internship at the office of Toronto's newest writing sensation, twenty two year old Eli Goldsworthy. She knows he is too old for her, but there is just something about him...
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: This is my first attempt at the idea of an older Eli and younger Clare relationship. It is kind of AU and OC, but I am trying my best to integrate things from the show as time goes on. I plan on updating hopefully about once a week or so. It is kind of based off the teacher/student fics done. I love those and this story pays homage to them in a different way. Please read and review if you would like. **

**I do not own Degrassi or the song this is based on.**

* * *

One of these things is not like the other, one of these just doesn't belong. Can you help me figure it out by the time I finish my song? I believe that is how the classic Sesame Street song goes, but I can't be sure since it has been years since I have heard the song for myself. To be honest, I am not sure why the song popped into my head at that moment.

My mind was filled with about a million thoughts, trying to figure out the newest lead story for the Degrassi Daily, trying to find time to complete my grade 12 honors calculus homework, and wondering why I was sitting outside of Ms. Oh's office on the third day of school. My life was already really busy, and I did not need any more pressure to be added. I felt like I was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to detonate sometime in the near future. Clare Edwards, walking human time bomb. Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

I bite my bottom lip nervously and ran my hand over my battered copy of Twilight. I had been planning to do some relaxing during my first period study hall by reading the mindless drivel, but instead I was sitting outside of this office, waiting to be called inside. My plans to enjoy Edward Cullen and his hair were not meant for today, I thought to myself. It kind of saddened me because I found some of my old vampire novels inside a box at the bottom of my closet and decided to read them all again. But with the schedule I have already been weighed down with, I may not even be able to finish the first few chapters of Twilight before Christmas break. Ah, well. Grade 12 was a big year and I needed to be focused to ensure this was my best year. I was already planning for the future and needed everything to go flawlessly.

Now that was not too much to ask, was it?

"Clare? You can come inside now," Ms. Oh said with a cheerful smile, interrupting my menagerie of thoughts. The young teacher was wearing a black sweater with a dark blue pencil skirt, paired with some funky bright blue heels. She looked too young to be a teacher, she seemed like she could be a student sometimes. I know some of my male counterparts wished she was because of the way I heard them talk about her. It often involved a lot of nakedness and bondage surprisingly.

I stood up and followed her into her office, closing the door behind me and taking a seat in the leather chair in front of her desk. I placed my bag and book down on the empty chair, bracing myself for some type of dreaded news. Perhaps I would not be able to take the advanced level creative writing course being offered the first time ever or...

"You are very lucky, Clare. You have been offered an opportunity to work in a mentor ship situation with a Degrassi graduate. One who is doing very well for himself. He read some of your journalism and creative writing pieces and was highly impressed. Out of 150 students, you were chosen for this year long program. Congratulations," Ms. Oh beamed, surprising me with such fantastic news.

I had been anticipating bad news. Which really made no sense since I was the last type of student to ever get into trouble. My nickname was Saint Clare, for goodness sake. I should have known this would only be good news.

"I can't believe it," I replied honestly with a smile. "This is definitely a great way to start out my year. Thanks, Ms. Oh." I grabbed my stuff and began to head out the door. So much to do, so little time.

"Clare, wait. I have to give you the details of your internship and there are some forms which need to be filled out. The internship begins right after school and your mentor will set up a schedule which works best later on," Ms. Oh stated, catching me off guard. I had been in such a hurry, I forgot all about the minute details.

With a sigh, I sat back down and began to fill out some paperwork. I also could not help but wonder what my mentor was going to be like. A graduate of Degrassi could prove to be someone my sister Darcy knew or maybe someone new. I was brimming with anticipation for the school day to end so I could meet this mystery man who thought so highly of my writing.

Just my luck, it was probably some old guy who graduated in 1968 and wanted me to write about how it was during his younger days. That thought made me sort of dread not knowing the identity of my mysterious mentor.

* * *

I was late for my internship. What kind of impression was I going to make rushing in with messy hair and sweat covering me? I would look highly unprofessional and my mentor would immediately change his mind about me. He would say he could find someone with more adequate writing skills and dismiss me with a wave of his hand. Maybe it was true. I thought my writing was not too shabby, I could see myself being a journalist someday.

But he had the experience. He probably encountered some of the best writers around and knew what quality writing truly was. He could mock my diction, saying he saw better word choice in a children's book. Or perhaps my writing was filled with comma splices and I would never be able to fix them. Or my verb tenses did not match or pronoun antecedent agreement was lacking. There was so much he could do to break down my writing and there was nothing I could say or do to prove he was being capricious. He had experience and I was just a wanna be.

When I stepped into the building, I was expected some type of professional setting. Instead it was a loft with very laid back future, decorated with movie and band posters. It kind of resembled an adolescent male's room, which made me double check the address. Yes. I was in the right place, but this was not matching up to the expectations built up inside my mind at all. The atmosphere was too easy going to have any kind of semblance of professionalism. Was this some kind of sick joke?

"Clare Edwards, we have been waiting for you."

I looked up and saw the most gorgeous male I have ever laid eyes leaning in the doorway before me. He was taller than me, his body was toned and nicely muscled in a subtle way, and he was beautiful. Dark brown hair which swooped over his eyes and tickled the nape of his neck, stunning emerald eyes, and a smirk which made my knees weak. He was dressed in a faded gray tee, ripped black skinny jeans, and combat boots. Beneath his neck glinted a silver necklace shaped like a guitar pick.

Holy hell, this man was hot. You could probably fry bacon on his beautiful body and it would be the most delicious bacon you had ever tasted in your entire life. Why was I even thinking about bacon when I was looking to the most jaw dropping green eyes in the world?

"Um, yes. I am here for the uh...internship thing. My name is Clare Edwards and I am from Degrassi-" I bite my lip, blushing at how idiotic I was sounding in front of him. I could not keep my words straight at all, I kind of forgot how to even speak.

The mysterious man nodded and did not speak. It was as though he was giving me the same kind of once over I just gave him. He was evaluating my outfit from my light blue ballet flats to my matching floral dress with white cardigan. I felt stupid not taking more time to curl my hair more meticulously that morning or doing my makeup better.

I felt like some kind of short and chunky blue blob standing in front of this guy. It was starting to make me sweat, and I wanted to escape his intense gaze. But he was looking at me with that smirk of his, like he was interested in me somehow. Impossible, of course. My mind was just imagining someone as attractive as him would ever look at Saint Clare in the same way guys look at my best friend, Alli.

About what seemed like five minutes later, the guy spoke. "Ahem, yes. I'm Eli. The one who chose you for the internship at my publishing company. Welcome."

Wait, what?

I was feeling a tad confused because Eli did not look like the type to own anything but a motorcycle. Maybe a guitar. But an entire publishing company? Impossible. This had to be some kind of joke to trick the newbie where everyone laughs at me and then makes me fetch their weird coffee drinks.

"Is the new girl here yet or are you pretending to do work?" A voice shouted from behind the doorway Eli was now leaning against,

The voice sounded male and kind of impatient. Not in a bad way, but like someone who wanted to get his work started. I had to admire that because I was thinking the same thing.

Why was I standing here being scrutinized when I was supposed to be setting up times for my internship and finding out the tasks they wanted me to complete? My mind was all over the place and I was started to getting nervous about this whole situation.

The owner of the voice appeared, a tall male around Eli's age with light brown hair and freckles. He was wearing a red plaid shirt over an Atari tee with faded jeans. He poked Eli in the shoulder and said, "Stop drooling. I don't think Clare wants to stand around all day while you lust after her curves. So put your tongue back where it belongs and let's give Clare a tour of our humble office, okay? Okay." He smiled at me and said, "I'm Adam. Follow me and I will show you where your desk is."

Sure. My desk. I followed Adam and glanced back at Eli who gave me a lusty gaze. I guess you could call it that. There was something which kept drawing our gazes back together, which made me blush and he kept the smirk on his face.

Lusting after my curves, huh? That was the only thing perpetuating my mind while Adam gave me the tour. All the details seemed to be blurred together except the way my blue eyes kept meeting Eli's green ones.

What have I gotten myself into?

* * *

There is no way I can be the only person who has ever had a crush on her boss. It has to be one of the most common occurrences in the world, right? I was kind of crushing on Eli, but I would not let it get in the way of this internship. I was lucky to be picked to work at his up and coming publishing company as an editing intern. It was some kind of dream come true, and he was a nice added bonus.

At the moment, I was trying to figure out which one of the stories I wanted to look over first. Eli handed me a large pile of stories and a red pen. I was at a loss for words, but I got the idea he wanted from me. I was supposed to be practicing editing on these stories and see how far I was able to get in the time I had. He even said he would be around to answer any kind of questions I may have. I was about to pick up a story called "The White Room" when I got the feeling I was being watched. I looked over my shoulder and saw Eli sipping coffee out of a chipped blue mug, watching me. Not in a weird way, but a curiosity to see what I was going to do be handed such responsibility on my own. He was perched on his desk with his legs crossed just drinking his java.

"Hello, Eli," I said and picked up my red pen. Let him think he does not bother me at all. I can be cool and collected when I need to be.

I opened the manuscript and began to read. I already saw some inconsistent verb tenses so I marked them promptly and made a small note correcting them. I noticed the sound of footsteps, but I was trying to concentrate on the story. I was having a hard time though because a lot of the verb tenses did not match which caused confusion and the story was filled with spelling errors. I looked up to see if Eli was still watching me to find that he was literally leaning over my shoulder. If I turned my head in the right direction, I would be able to kiss him on those pink plump lips of his. Not that I wanted to kiss him, but he did have some very luscious lips for a man.

"Clare Edwards," he said a low voice, his breath tickling my neck and sending shivers up and down my spine. I turned my head just a few millimeters and looked him in the eye, wondering why he was standing in such close proximity.

"What?"

"I told you we had been waiting for you earlier. But I never got to finish my thought because Adam decided to butt in," he said with amusement is his voice, clearly enjoying making me all kinds of nervous. I was trying to figure out what he meant, why he would have been waiting for me. Nothing was really making sense at this point in the conversation anymore.

"I meant we have been waiting for you because of the talent you have. It is so rare to see such strong writing in a high school student, let alone the editing skills you possess. We were lucky to be able to get you for this internship," he finished, noticing my confusion still there. It did make me feel good that he considered me to be a good writer and editor, but it did not ease the butterflies in my stomach from the way he was standing so close to me.

He smiled, and then leaned in closer and closer. I was waiting for him to kiss me or something, but this was not some kind of romance novel. I bit the inside of my cheek and closed my eyes. This was not really happening and I was just imagining it.

Suddenly, Eli stepped away from me and picked up a red mug. He handed it to me and smiled. I was kind of confused because I did not know what I was supposed to do with. So I just held it in my hands akwardly and smiled nervously at him. Wait, maybe he wanted to me join him for some coffee?

I stood up and walked over to the coffee machine, trying to calm my nerves and pouring myself a mug of coffee. I added some milk and sugar. I turned around to return to my desk and bumped right into his chest. Luckily, the coffee did not spill.

"Why do you write, Clare?"

"Because I cannot imagine doing anything else," I replied, staring up into his green orbs.

"Same here," he replied with a smirk and causally pushed away a stray hair which had fallen into my eye. It was a very weird situation, and I could tell neither of us was sure what to do next. I was biting my lip for the thousandth time today.

"You must do that when you are nervous," Eli pointed out and grabbed his own coffee mug. I was trying to not bite my lip, but it was impossible. Eli made me a ball of nerves.

"Would you mind helping me stuff some envelopes?" Eli asked in a casual way, like he was inviting me to dinner or something. I wanted to laugh because I should be filling envelopes as an intern. I was there to help him out and learn at the same time. I had expected to be fetching drinks and dry cleaning, not editing stories on my first day.

There was something about Eli that drew me to him. I was supposed to be Saint Clare, but he made me want to shed that nickname. He was the seciest guy I had seen in a long time, because all of the guys at Degrassi were not much to see. I had not really dated because there was no one was kept my attention or brought out the kind of feelings like Eli was doing. He made me want to run my hands through his dark hair and feel his breath tickle the nape of my neck. I would not mind if his long, lanky fingers did some exploring of their own either-and...no. He was my mentor, way too old for me and way out of my league.

I nodded my ascent to help him stuff some envelopes and followed him into his office to get to work.

I walked into his office and realized we were the only ones here. Adam had gone home, and there was no one else around. Just me and Eli in this office. With envelopes. My mind was wandering to forbidden places when I noticed Eli was sitting on a faded black futon with a stack of envelopes in front of him. Ah, yes. The task at hand which need to be complete.

"I will help with those," I said, trying to sound kind of flirty. However, I failed and tripped over a box right by the table in front of the futon. I felt myself go flying in the air and then I felt a pair of arms around my waist. Eli had caught me and now I was lying on top of him on this futon. His hands were gripping my waist and I felt our hearts both rapidly beating. His hands traveled down to my waist and I felt myself leaning into him.

This should not be happening. I could get into some much trouble. My mom would be so disappointed in my behavior. She had raised me to be better than that and here I was acting like some kind of slut. This was not who I am, but I could not help myself. I did not want to stop what I was doing. It felt so wrong...but oh so good...

His hands keep making their way down my body until he grips my thighs and pulls my close to him. I press my chest against him and smile at the way he blushes for a moment. It is nice to know I affect him the way he does to me. I can't help but notice his grip tightening and his hands exploring my curves. I try to stop myself, but I moan in excitement. This whole situation feels so good... it is like letting go of all the drama and being in the moment. Eli leans in and kisses my neck, running his tongue along the bottom of my jaw. His action elicits another moan from myself and he groans in response. I look him right in the eye and then plunge my lips on his, not caring about anything else but Eli and this moment.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi. This is the second chapter of my new story. I have been stuck on the others so I am seeing where this one goes. This idea has been buzzing around my head for awhile. It is kind of AU and OOC, but I am hoping you will still enjoy it. I can assure you there will be love, drama, lemons, and smut. All things you can enjoy. Reviews are welcome so I know what you like/love/hate/want to see more of. Don't be afraid to PM with any questions or concerns. {: Please enjoy this newest installment. Check out and follow me on tumblr: missmaggiemaybe dot tumblr dot com :)**

**I do not own Degrassi or the song this is based on.**

* * *

_**Ah don't take my heart  
Don't break my heart  
Don't throw it away-Tears for Fears, "Head Over Heels"**_

* * *

Tension filled my body the day after Eli and I kissed. I had let myself get out of hand and kiss a man five years older than me. He was supposed to be my mentor, and I was displaying the most unprofessional behavior possible. I mentally kicked myself over and over for letting the situation escalate and allowing my hormones to get the best of me. My only consolation for the day was I would not have to see Eli for two days. It gave me the time to decide what my best type of damage control was and how to approach the incident without creating any more drama between Eli and myself.

Who was I kidding? The kiss was the only thing on my mind, and I was considering when I would get to kiss Eli again. His luminous green eyes would not leave my mind, and I keep imagining his strangely soft and plump lips against my own. Also, I keep thinking about how attractive he looked wearing darker hues and how those darker clothes would look on the floor... he probably had a nicely toned stomach and one of those little happy trails that led...

Get a hold of yourself, Clare. The last thing you should ever think about in relation to Eli is where his happy trail leads or him getting undressed. These were not the type of thoughts for a girl waiting to have sex until she was married. I was having these very sinful thoughts, and I needed to do my best to absolve myself of those impure thoughts.

The solution to my problem was homework. Lots and lots of homework. My history project, the English essay, and the 40 extra credit calculus problems I could tackle on this Wednesday evening. I was prepared to get ahead on all of my classes so I could focus on the school newspaper and excel at my internship. Everything was all planned out perfectly and nothing was going to ruin what I set for myself.

I ended up staring at my laptop for almost twenty minutes, trying to compose an essay on how Bertha Rochester was a symbol for Jane Eyre's sexuality and compare it to the ideals held by Victorian society at the time. My screen stayed blank, and I bit my lip out of frustration.

Maybe a small break would help. I minimized the word document and logged onto FaceRange. I had been anticipating to have no new notifications as usual, but I was surprised to find I had a friend request and an unread message. My curiosity was piqued so I clicked on the friend requests icon and found:

**You have one new friend request from Eli Goldsworthy**

Oh, my god. I stared at the screen and looked at the little icon of his picture. He was smirking as usual, wearing a black shirt and tie with his arm around an older woman with blonde hair. I assumed it was his mother because of the way she smiled at him and their similar noses.

I hovered over the accept button and then just clicked it. I was not sure what I expected to happen, but the screen prompted me with **You are now friends with Eli Goldsworthy. Click here to view his profile or send him a message.**

Feeling really weird already, I ignored the prompt and returned to my news feed. I found some statuses complaining about homework being unnecessary during senior year and how Coach Armstrong was going to outlast everyone at Degrassi and how he would still be there even if there was type of apocalypse which happened. I swear, sometimes the theories people develop are something to really laugh about.

I pushed some of my auburn curls out of my eyes and kind of just creeped around on FaceRange for awhile because I did not want to write that dreaded essay. I knew it would be easy, and I would complete it with ease. But my mind was distracted by the fact I would come face to face with Eli in a mere two days. It seemed longer before, but now it seemed to short a time o figure out how to look at my mentor without wanting to blush all the way down to my toes.

Ping! I almost jumped when the laptop showed I had one new chat message waiting for me. I figured it was Alli, so I went to respond.

Eli had sent me a message saying: _I am sorry about the other day, Clare. I hope you still want to come back to the office. _

I frowned because it sounded as though he was brushing me off. I knew the kiss was not the best idea, but I was not going to apologize for what happened. I was the one who kissed him and let him explore my curves with those long fingers of his. Nothing went too far, but I knew perfectly well what I was doing. If I had been uncomfortable in any way, I would have said so.

The screen told me Eli was typing so I did not say anything.

_But I also wanted to let you know that I am not really sorry about what happened. I was fine with us kissing and I would do it again. But I know that we can't but... there is just something about you, Clare._

I did not know how to respond. My heart was racing and my palms sweaty. I was really happy about what he was saying because I felt the same way. It was a really complicated situation, but I would happily let it happen again. I had no regrets in the least. Eli brought out feelings in me I never knew existed and he made me question what it would be like to let go of all my hesitations and just fall into the moment with him. It was amazing the first time, and I had to wonder where it could progress if we continued on the path we had already begun.

I typed back,_I am not really doing anything right now. Did you want to go to The Dot and maybe get something to eat?_

There was no hesitation in his reply, _See you in twenty minutes. _

What have I just done? I was setting myself up for dangerous territory, but I did not give a damn. It was about time Clare Edwards started living a little bit.

* * *

What was I doing? I stood across the street from The Dot, debating what to do next. I could see Eli texting on his phone, sitting at one of the outdoor tables. He even looked up and that is when he saw me. He waved at me, gesturing at the empty seat beside him.

I took a deep breath and walked over to join him. I hoped he noticed the time I took to wear something that showed up my cleavage. I was very proud of my large chest and found an old shirt of my sister's which was black and low cut. It had quarter sleeves, and I paired it with a black cardigan, skinny jeans, and some black Toms shoes.

I wanted to look really good for Eli, but I was worried I was going to look stupid instead.

There was a long moment of silence after I sat down. I kind of stared at my hands while Eli stared at me. I felt his eyes watching me, but I did not have the courage to look up at him. It was a really weird feeling to know he was looking at me but not speaking.

"Did you want anything to eat?" Eli asked, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked up at him and shrugged my shoulders. It was getting ridiculous how nervous he was making me. I could not even speak properly.

He chuckled. "This is not going to be a very productive hanging out kind of deal if you don't, you know, speak."

I blushed really hard and said, "I am not really hungry, but thanks."

"You invited me here to eat, Clare. I was under the impression we would be eating," Eli replied with an amused tone and watched me staring down at my hands. I felt like a total freak and I wanted to cry.

"Um, well... I wouldn't mind a chicken salad and some tea."

Eli rose from his chair and said, "I will be right back with the food."

Five minutes later he returned with what I requested and a burger and fries for himself. I kind of picked at my food, watching Eli in horror and fascination consume the burger and fries like a vacuum. I would never understand why guys ate like such pigs. Ew.

I was just a bundle of nerves being around him and my lip was going to be bruised from how much I was biting it. There was just something about Eli which intrigued me and made me want to be around him. More of me though became a nervous mess and I had no idea how to fix it. I kept picking at my food, taking small bites and never meeting those stark green eyes. I also had my leg crossed over the other, shaking it back and forth and back and forth. This was my nervous habit I had developed.

"Clare?"

The sound of his voice startled me and I looked up into his eyes, not sure what I was supposed to say. He was looking at me like he was trying to figure out some kind of puzzle, like I was the puzzle. There was a look of curiosity etched upon his face, along with some confusion. Maybe he was thinking about the kiss we shared or trying to tell me I had something on my face. All I knew was I would not myself lose control again and kiss him like it was the only thing in the world which mattered.

He was looking at the way I was picking at my food. He watched how I shuffled the food across the plate and tried to cover some of it up with my napkin. His gaze fell upon the weird habits I had developed when it came to eating, and I did not want him to notice there was something wrong with me . This was not about judging Clare Edwards. No. I was not going to let him do that.

I dropped my fork like it was on fire and pushed the plate away from me. My heart was beating a thousand paces per second and I wanted to look him in the eye. I wanted him to focus on anything but noticing there was something wrong with me.

When my eyes met his, I was taken aback by the intensity of his gaze. He was no longer paying attention to the food I had been messing with, instead all of his attention was on me. Eli raised his right eyebrow in a very sexy way, as though trying to get me to speak. I also noticed his eyes had traveled down to my chest area, which made me hyper conscious of how noticeable my chest really was all of the sudden. I could pretend he was just some guy who could appreciate my assets and not my 22 year old mentor. But pretending in the past has never worked out well for me and the way he is looking at me makes it difficult to create coherent thoughts. The way he was looking at me had me believing he was thinking the same kinds of thoughts I was.

Eli tapped his fingers on the table and bite his lip. "Did you want to get out of here and go for a drive?" he asked, his eyes filled with a darkness which made me wonder what he had in mind. It was not a bad darkness, more of a mystery.

I nodded, standing up and putting my purse over my shoulder. Eli paid the bill, and I followed him across to where his car was parked. He drove a brand new black Mustang and looked really hot next to such an impressive car.

"Where would you like to go, Edwards?"

I smiled at the way he called me by my last name and told him it did not matter to me. My heart was still pounding and it felt so weird being in his car. I felt like I was breaking some type of rule and was going to get in really big trouble later on. We drive until we ended up at this abandoned church structure near some woods. He parked the car behind a tall oak tree and invited me to sit on the hood of the car with him.

I sat close enough to be almost touching, but I made sure we did not make contact. I did not want to create any kind of drama at all-

"Clare," Eli teased and gestured for me to come closer. He was leaning back on the car, looking at me with mischievous eyes.

I stared at him for a long moment, biting the inside of my cheek. I wanted to be closer to him, but I did not know what was going to happen next. I had so much to be worried about; my reputation, how he was older than me, he was my mentor. There were so many reasons why I should have asked him to take me home and demand our relationship remain professional. Should have. Could have. Didn't though. I moved my body closer to him and smiled.

"Eli, we should probably figure out some kind of..." I was stumbling over my words, not sure what I was trying to say or if my words were even making sense at this point.

Eli leaned in close and buried his face in my neck. He breathed me in and began to run his fingers up and down my arm. Shudders ran up and down my spine. I could not believe his lips were tickling my neck. He grabbed my hand and pulled me so we were face to face. There was a moment where he just kind of looked into my eyes and then he smirked. I loved that smirk so much.

"What do you think we should figure out at this very moment, Clare?" He spoke in a low voice, beginning to kiss up and down my neck. He was doing a wonderful job at making me forget what I was supposed to be saying. All I could focus on was the way his lip were making my body want him so much. Eli was kissing me, and I could not help but shudder again. This boy had an impact on me, and I was positive there was no way I could ever say no to anything he wanted from me. Not when he kissed like that... I could not resist and I let myself kiss him back. I climbed on top of him, kissing him with everything I had. This was all I wanted to focus on right now. Straddling Eli and kissing him like my life depended on it.

The kissing between us became more forceful. I took Eli's leather jacket off of him and removed my cardigan quickly. We were a tangle of lips and limbs, unable to get enough of one another. His hands ran up and down my thighs, clasping my behind and returning up to my chest.

I leaned in and kissed his neck, biting the skin and running my tongue along his jaw. He responded by tearing of my shirt and cupping my breasts with his hands. I shivered but did not stop him when he proceeded to unclasp my bra and toss it aside.

His hands carefully played with my breasts, very gentle and sweet. He knew what he was doing. Eli ran his hands over my breasts, watching my nipples grow hard from his touch. I responded b leaning into him, kissing him with force and enjoying the way his hands caressed the sensitive part of my body. Then he almost put me over the edge by taking my nipple in his mouth, biting and sucking.

"Mmm...oh, my god" I moaned, shocked the noises of pleasure were coming from me.

"Clare, say my name. Fucking say it" Eli demanded as I moaned. He began to suck and bite harder, making me feel like I was going to melt into a puddle of pleasure. Which was cliché, but true.

"Eli...Eli...Eli.." I kept saying his name, loving the way he was making me feel. This was the Clare Edwards I had never known could exist. She did not seem to give a damn about sinning or being with an older man. She was only focused on the moment and getting as much out of it as possible. Eli's hands began to move down to my waist, and I did nothing to stop him.

"Clare…"

He unbuttoned the button on my pants and pulled them down. I wiggled and pulled them down the rest of the way before climbing back on top of him seductively and kissed him without restraint. His hands went to back to My inner thighs and he teased that forbidden place again, a wet spot forming. He pressed the edge of his thumb where my cleft was. His thumb began to draw these lip circles and he was kissing me like he had no cares in the world at all.

"E-Eli, please…" I felt msyelf leaning into his touch and wanting more, more, more.

"Tell me what you want, Clare" Eli demanded, pulling down my panties. He pressed his thumb harder, adding more force and using his other fingers. He was teasing me and I felt like I was about to lose my mind from what he was doing to me. This was farther than I had ever gone and I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I screamed as he played with his middle finger inside of me. Eli told me how I was so fucking tight, adding another finger to my tight hole.

"Pleas eEli-"

His mouth left my lips to kiss my stomach, teasing my waist. Finally his mouth was at that forbidden place. He took his fingers out of me, but then stuck his tongue in and out of my tight cleft. He licked the folds, his tongue darting in and out with ease. Eli made me scream by doing this until he returned to kissing my stomach and back up to my lips. His hands returned to the place between my legs.

He plunged two of his fingers inside of me, moving faster and kissing my neck. He was tracing patterns and muttering about how tight I was. I could feel Eli moaning against my lips and almost screamed when he added three fingers. It was really tight, but it felt amazing. The way he went in and out with his fingers. He kept going in and out of me, making me wetter until he said, "I think you are going to finish Clare..."

I moaned, feeling the juices slip out of me and onto his finger. I collapsed from the pleasure and closed my eyes for a long moment.

I realized I just had my first orgasm with another person, and I was not even married. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had never been so ashamed. My hair was all disheveled and I was naked. I jumped off the car, quickly dressing myself and fighting the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I had never been so disgusted with myself in my whole.

"Clare?" Eli said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I have...I have to go," I choked out and ran away, leaving him standing alone in front of that abandoned church.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n: I just wanted to say thanks for all of the follows and reviews. It means a lot to me. I have put a lot of time and effort into this story and I hope it shows. The idea has been haunting me. I am neglecting my homework to do this so I hope you guys enjoy it. I wanted to also say thanks for reading my other stories too. It means more than words can say that people read and review my work. I love to write and work really hard to provide you guys with good stories. So if you read this, please leave a review letting me know what you thought. It makes me feel good and keeps me wanting to write. I do not ask for a set number of reviews to update, but they sure make my day.**

**I do not own Degrassi or the song this is based. Also, I am a Zaya shipper. Judge me as you will. And check out my tumblr and follow to send me story ideas and requests: missmaggiemaybe. I always follow back (:**

* * *

I found myself running away from Eli with tears streaming down my face and no idea where I was going. My only thought was I needed to be far away from what had just happened and to figure out how I was ever going to face him again. He was going to think I was an easy kind of girl who let herself get carried away with guys she barely knew.

Why was I such an idiot? I let him do things to me I had never done before, he explored the places I had promised God would only be for my husband. The promise was now very shattered.

Eli had made me feel a way I never thought possible, but I knew the feelings were wrong. Wrong. Shameful. Sinful. Saint Clare was having a crisis of faith, how fitting.

"Clare! Where are you going?" Eli had ran after me, ducking around tree branches and kicking up dead leaves as he made his way through the forest. I am not sure if it was really a forest because I had never been to this part of the city before, but it seemed like it since there were so many trees and nature like things around us.

My body was shaking with silent sobs, but I could not meet his eyes. I did not want him to see my shame and blame himself. I should have said no and pushed him away. To be honest, I should have never kissed him the other day and let myself think he would want me for anything but my body. He may have cared about my mind when he read my writing, but he was only focused on my body when he saw me.

Eli was just another guy who wanted me for what pleasure I could momentarily provide him with. That was a road I refused to travel upon; I needed to let him know this was all a big mistake and maybe the internship was a bad idea...

"I am going home. I have homework to do. So I need to go home and do it and not think about what just happened," I said, my voice shaky and full of sadness. I felt myself choking back sobs and wishing he would leave me alone.

Eli approached me with hesitation, lifting my chin to look him in the eyes. "Why are you crying? Did I do something?" he questioned with concern.

I wished I could have ignored the way his green eyes seemed to show some genuine caring and how his touch still made me shiver. It was innocent but brought back the memory his hand had been inside of me, his mouth too. It was all too much for me to handle. I felt the place between my thighs began to desire his touch again and my heart started pounding from being so close to him.

"You didn't do anything, Eli. This was all my fault. I was the one who led you on and I was the one who let this happen. So go ahead and hate me. I am nothing but a dirty whore and I deserve whatever happens to me next," I told him in a low voice, averting my blue eyes and biting my lip forcefully.

Eli was silent for a few moments. He took his hand away like he had been burned and took a step back from me. "Excuse me?" His green eyes flared with some anger and he looked at me like he could not believe what I had just said.

"I know this was all a mistake. You only wanted to get me alone so I would sleep with you, but I did not let that happen. I am sorry you are disappointed. I hope you can find a suitable replacement for the internship. Goodbye," I replied, wiping away my final tears and walking towards the way we had driven here.

"What kind of fucking person do you think I am, Clare?" Eli was shouting after me. "You think I wanted to fuck you and be done with you? Is that really all you think of me?! I am not that fucked up, you know!"

I kept walking and pulled out my cell phone. I could just call Ali to come give me a ride home. She was always willing to help me out when it came to guys. She would console me over Eli and help me find a distraction until I felt better. I needed distractions really badly or I would drive myself crazy thinking about what had happened between Eli and I.

Finally, I reached the road and began walking along the shoulder. My phone was not getting reception so I had to walk home. It did not seem like that far of a drive, but maybe his plan had been to get me all the way out here so I could not leave if he tried to do something. Or maybe-

I was such an idiot. I had said all of those things to Eli, and none of them were the least bit true. I knew he was not using me for sex and he did not drive out here to have his way with me. Eli was actually a really good person I screwed up with because I had been ashamed of what I let myself do with him. I was angry at myself for throwing away my values, but I took my anger out on Eli.

I had just screwed up any chances of anything with the best guy I had ever met. I wanted to kick myself really hard, but I settled for mentally kicking myself instead.

A car pulled up next to me and of course, it was Eli. He rolled down the window and said, "Get in, Edwards." His voice was filled with sadness and distant, not sounding like the Eli I had just been spending time with.

I made him hate me. Great.

I silently got into the car and awkwardly stared out the window while he drove. Some kind of rock band was playing on the radio, singing about falling in love. Not exactly what I wanted to hear right now.

"I have never gone that far with a guy before and I panicked. I am really sorry, Eli."

He sighed. "Clare."

I was mad at myself for kissing my older mentor and letting him finger and eat me out. I was even madder that I liked it. He was older than me and I should not be messing around with someone who is supposed to be helping work towards being a better writer.

Eli had written a collection of short stories and owned his own company. I was a stupid high school girl with a silly crush. He would never really be into someone like me. I stared down at my hands, wishing he would say something else to make me feel better.

"Clare," Eli repeated, trying to get my attention. I noticed he had pulled the car over onto the shoulder of the road was looking at me. He even reached out and gently traced the pad of his thumb over my hand.

I could not look him in the eye. My gaze went out the window, far away to a place where I did not have to talk. I was confused and scared. This was not something I knew how to deal with. Guys never paid attention to me and I never let them get close enough to me. All I kept thinking about was the way Eli had seen my body and not been repulsed. I was sickened by myself every time I looked in the mirror and he seemed to like my body. Nothing made sense to me.

"Will you fucking talk to me, Clare?" Eli demanded, running a hand through his shaggy dark hair.

"I don't want you to see all of my flaws." I waited for him to take his hand away, but he intertwined our fingers and squeezed gently. He was trying to get me to look at him and I finally did.

Confusion was etched upon his face. His green eyes searched my blue for some kind of answers, but I did not have any for him. All I knew was I did not want to him realize how fat I was and be turned off by what he say. It would happen eventually. I had to look at it every day and was always sickened by what I saw.

"Why did you think I wouldn't accept your flaws?"

"Because you have probably been with plenty of girls who are prettier than me. They were probably thinner, taller, and beautiful. I don't want to let you down when you see what I really look like."

Eli leaned over and kissed the side of my mouth gently. It was a butterfly kiss and then he returned to looking at me.

"I am not sure what you think of me, but I am not going to judge you. I also do not really date that often and you are the first person I have been that, uh, close with in a long time."

So, he did not date that often and he would not judge me. I was starting to feel a little better but not completely.

"I know you really haven't done what we did and I-"

"Hmm?" I looked at him, worried.

"But I think we should see what happens and just kind of let things happen between us. I am not going to force you to do anything, but I do like being around you, Clare." He held my hand gently and raised my hand to his lips to kiss it.

"There is something you should know about me..." I said, knowing I was about to ruin this moment for good.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" He inquired, looking at me like he did not care if I told him I did.

I wish it was something as simple as that, but this news would change what he really thought of me. He would think I was some kind of fucked up freak.

"Mmm, not even a little," I smiled sadly, reaching over to touch his cheek gently.

"Then you can tell me anything."

"I have an eating disorder," I said, looking him in the eye. I expected him to pull away in disgust, but he only kissed me sweetly for a few moments and told me how beautiful I was.

* * *

Attending therapy once a week was the one thing I dreaded. My life seemed to be perfect (the way I wanted it to be) minus having to see the stupid therapist and discuss my feelings for an hour. She made me feel like I am some kind of freak who is unable to show any emotions or make attachments to fellow humans. Well, she had never said it that way but she stated her concern for the way I tend to kept all of my feelings bottled inside and how I distanced myself from the people around me, never really allowing myself to get truly close with anyone. My eating disorder was the way I hid from the world and keep everyone from getting too near to me. Or something like that. She said a lot of things I never pay attention to because I know she was judging me based on what she thought and not who I really was.

These were the days I would drag myself out of bed, just putting on whatever clothes I could find and not bothering to do my makeup. It was the first therapy session since school had started so she would ask me how I was feeling about school. I usually went home and stayed in bed after therapy during the summer and planned to do the same this day. I did not care I had school because I would not feel like interacting with anyone after spilling my guts. It would be better for me to stay in bed and sleep, pretending there was nothing wrong with me and wishing I wasn't so fucked up.

Wishes for things like that never came true. I waited for falling stars and four leaf covers, but I was the unluckiest girl in the world. I was still fat, I was still ugly, and no one would ever be able to love someone so fucked up. These were not assumptions I was making, these were all facts. I could look in the mirror and confirm the first two. The last one was confirmed by the fact I never had a real relationship with someone of the opposite and most likely never would.

I could see why I needed therapy, but it did not mean I wanted to go.

However, here I was sitting in the waiting room with a frown plastered on my face and a thermos of ginger tea to calm my nerves. It was only one hour and then I could go home. My mom would be willing to call Degrassi and say I was ill. I would promise her this would be the last time I would spend all day in bed pulling at my skin, wishing the fat would fade away and listening to my empty stomach grumble. Tomorrow would be better. I would face the world and eat the food placed in front of me.

It was so easy to lie when I knew exactly what everyone wanted to hear from me.

"Please come in, Clare," Jennifer greeted me, standing in the doorway and beckoning me to step into her office. She always insisted I call her Jennifer. She wanted to make me feel comfortable during our sessions.

I followed her inside, sitting the couch across from her chair as she closed the door. She grabbed her tablet and sat down in front of me. Her face was a mask, very neutral. It made me uncomfortable because I always wanted to be able to read the emotions of being around me. So I knew what Clare they wanted me to be. Jennifer knew my game though and always kept her face a blank state, which always put me on edge and ready to leave the session.

"How are things going for you?" she asked in her honey sweet voice. Her voice just sounded sweet but there was no emotion, only a straight forward question.

"Fine." I searched her face for a hint of emotion but there was nothing.

Nothing. I would have to find a way to be the Clare she always expected me to be, very high strung and overly emotional. The Clare who always screamed and yelled, demanded some kind of reaction but never being satisfied. There were so many Clares sometimes, I started to get lost on who I really was at times.

Jennifer wrote something down on her tablet and continued, "Has school been going well for you?"

"I got this internship and I ended up letting my mentor finger me on the hood of his car," I said with mock enthusiasm, pasting a grin on my face. I decided to be difficult Clare with double edged words and secret smiles.

Jennifer raised an eyebrow slightly. Finally I had caught her off guard. I was feeling victorious for a moment.

"And it was great. I loved the way his fingers felt inside of me and I would let him do it again and again and again," I giggled, enjoying therapy for the first time ever. I was saying things she would write down and analyze. She would try to figure me out, but she would still have no idea who I really was. Jennifer always told me someday she would meet the real Clare Edwards, it was only a matter of when.

"This is your mentor for your internship? Tell me more about him."

I bite my lip, remembering Eli's deep gaze and his long fingers. The way his lips felt against mine and how he called me beautiful. "His name is Eli. He owns his own publishing company and has written short stories. He is kind of an up and coming writer. And he is really hot. I mean, sexy dark hair and piercing green eyes. Lips so kiss worthy and fingers which are magical. He is like no one I have ever met. When I am with Eli, there is just something about him which makes me want to be myself..."

Jennifer leaned forward, interested in something I had just said. "Eli makes you want to be yourself? As in, you don't feel the need to put on a mask around him and lie to make him like you?"

I shook my head, pushing away a stray curl which fell out of my ponytail. "No. I even told him I had an eating disorder. That is not something I have done before. Eli is different. He makes me want to be... I don't know. Just more, I guess."

Life was strange. Ever since I met Eli a few days ago, my entire perspective was beginning to change. It kind of made me uneasy. I spent so long pushing everyone away, and here came this guy wanting to get close to me. I really did not know how to be close with people and here he was about to possibly tear down all the walls I built to keep everyone away.

When therapy was over, I actually did not feel as depressed as I did after. I was actually thinking about Eli and how I wanted to be myself with him. I just didn't know how to do approach the situation was scared where things could go between us...

* * *

So, I should have been at home lying in bed all alone. I should have been starving myself and thinking of ways to lose more weight. There were so many things I should have been doing. Sitting on the couch inside of Eli's apartment is what I shouldn't have been doing. But after my therapy session ended, I found myself calling him and he offered to pick me up. Eli did not ask any questions or make any judgments when I told him where I was. Instead, he picked me up and invited me over to his place. His apartment. Just the two of us alone. No big deal at all.

Eli offered me the contents of his fridge about a thousand times and frowned when I insisted I was not hungry. I could see the concern in his eyes but did not want to think about my flaws at this moment. There was no way to distract him but-

I cocked my head to study him for a moment and then climbed on top of him, placing my legs on either side of him. He smirked and raised his eyebrow at me. I smiled flirtatiously and kissed him. Eli gripped my waist with his hands and let his hands travel down to my ass. He squeezed playfully and pulled me closer to deepen our kiss.

Pressing my body against his, my lips went down to his neck to suck and bite. He moaned deeply and responded by biting my shoulder. I sucked his neck and ran my tongue along it to make him shiver the way he had done to me. I could not get enough of this man. I wanted to claim every part of him and do things I never would have thought of doing before I met Eli.

"Is this okay?" I whispered in his ear, tickling him with my breath. I nipped his ear lobe and giggled.

Eli responded by nodding vigorously and growing hard beneath his dark wash skinny jeans. I could feel his lust for me, and I wanted to see it so badly.

"Eli..." I got off of him and traced my hand along his waist. I let my fingers trace around his hardness and crawl up to his belt buckle. I bite my lip, licking it nervously and began to unbuckle his belt.

"Clare, I know you haven't done this before and you do not need to do anything which makes you uncomfortable-" He started to say but stopped when I pulled down his jeans and began to trace my fingers along the edge of his Batman boxers. I giggled a little and inched his boxers down, stopping to stare at what was beneath.

"Um..." I bit my lip and looked away, nervous.

"What is wrong, Clare?"

"I, um, didn't expect it to be so...um...really big?" I said, a question tagged onto my words.

Eli smirked and grabbed my hand, placing it on his cock. He wrapped my fingers along his long length and showed me how to stroke. I increased the pace, moving my hand faster and harder. He responded by muttering, "Fuck" and closing his eyes in enjoyment.

I kept stroking fast and hard with my hand, leaning up to kiss him. His kisses were forceful and lust filled. He whispered, "Suck it, Clare. Please..."

Wow. He wanted me to and then and yeah. I had never done this before so I was scared. Maybe I was getting in over my head.

Taking a deep breath, I leaned down and slowly took him in my mouth. It was a strange sensation, almost like I was going to choke. Eli thrust his hips up and down to get my mouth moving and I followed his lead, sucking his cock harder and faster. My mouth was moving at a fast pace and Eli was moaning in reponse, muttering fuck and don't stop every so often.

I teased my tongue along the tip of his cock, sucking the edge and using my hand to pump his cock back and forth. I felt myself getting wet from seeing him getting off. What was wrong with me? This was not who I was, but I really did not want to stop.

"Clare, fuck. I-" Eli stopped what he was about to say and moaned. I felt this hot liquid bursting into my mouth, Eli coming long and hard. It caught me off guard, but I swallowed the bitter liquid. I wiped the edge of my mouth and stood up awkwardly.

"I should get home now. My mom might wonder where I am soon. I will see you later, Eli," I said and waved, ready to make my exit.

Eli stood up and put his boxers and pants back on. "Clare, stop. You are not leaving. I don't want you to think that you need to leave every time we do something sexual. If you don't want us to be intimate anymore, tell me. Don't keep running away."

I looked him in those deep green eyes of his and asked, "What if running away is the only thing I know how to do though, Eli?"

* * *

**So, what did you think? *ships Zaya and drinks some Organic Valley milk***


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I do not own Degrassi or the song this is based on. Welcome to chapter four. This was hard for me to write because I was setting up some major plot development/beginning story line. I worked really hard on this chapter and I hope it shows. I wanted to say thanks for all of the follows and reviews, they really do mean a lot to me. I work really hard on my stories when I can, always thinking about what will happen next and planning ideas. So, if you read please leave a review letting me know what you thought and any suggestions for what should happen next or how to make the story better. PM me with any questions or concerns too.'**

* * *

_I wanted to be with you alone  
and talk about the weather  
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face  
Won't escape my attention-__** Digital Daggers, Head Over Heels.**_

* * *

Secrets and lies were like a commodity for me. I dealt in secrets and traded lies to make my living. It had something to do with why I was the way that I was. Once upon a time, I was a happy little girl who thought the world was a wonderful place. Then one day, my perceptions of the world were shattered and life was never quite the same for me. I built up the secrets because I knew people cannot handle the truth. Lies were valuable because I could tell people whatever they wanted to hear and I could find out what they want so I could be the person. Perhaps there was a point when Clare Edwards was not the fucked person she has become, but one moment changed all of that.

But I didn't talk about it. I buried it way deep inside and focus on everything else. The quest to be perfect through mind and body. I was quite smart, enough to get into a good university and study journalism. My only problem came with my body. I looked in the mirror and felt nothing but self loathing. The therapy was supposed to help and so were the meds they have me on. Help, help, help. They claim I was silently pleading for help with my actions, but they are wrong.

This is who I am now because that is what**he** made me.

* * *

The internship may be the best thing that had happened to me in a long time. A few hours when I could focus on doing something I loved and not be worried about anything else. I loved the feeling of being in a more casual setting, but the work was professional. Eli had worked hard to establish himself as writer while he was in college and started his own company to give other writers a chance. He was doing something important with his life and I had to admire his tenacity and drive. Eli liked to have fun, but he was dedicated to his company and working hard.

I still wanted to be a journalist, but working with Eli made me see the enjoyment of just editing people's writing in a different atmosphere than a newspaper. I read all kinds of stories and writing pieces. I found some of the best writing I had read in a long while and some writing which should have not even been thought of. The experience was opening my eyes to more ideas and expanding the possibilities of what I wanted to do when I started university next fall.

"I think we are done for the night, Clare," Eli spoke, nudging me out of my thoughts. He was standing in front of my desk with Adam next to him, holding his leather jacket draped over his arm.

Adam smiled and said, "You can give it a rest for a bit, Edwards. You might wear yourself out from all of those words. And you can join us for some all you can eat pizza at Pizza Shuttle. The greasiest and biggest slices of pizza in town."

I put down the story I was reading, trying to suppress the panic ready to show on my face. I had already eaten a set amount of calories for the day and even a little bit of pizza would be too much for me.

Eli was studying me, like he knew my secret but didn't want to say anything. He ran a hair through his shaggy hair and added, "Dinner is on the boss," with that sexy smirk of his. He made me want to kiss those lips and run my hands through his messy hair.

"Um, sure. That sounds great!"I said with mock enthusiasm, grabbing my purse and following the two guys out of the office. Eli locked up and Adam and I waited for him by the elevator. It was kind of awkwardly silent, but I didn't know what to say. I had spent a ton of um, personal time with Eli while I barely knew Adam.

Adam and Eli had been best best friends since high school, according to Eli. They had been through hell and back and were like brothers. Since Eli and I were kind of dating, he was sure Adam would want to get to know me. Which is why he probably set up this pizza thing as a way for me and Adam to interact. But why did it have to be with food? Eli knew how much I had issues when it came to eating. He was trying to torture me in the worst ways possible it seemed. There was so much he did not know about he and he was already pushing all of the wrong buttons.

Deep inside, I was really upset. But I knew I could not show it. Part of me trying to be a better person was putting on a happy face all of the time and doing what other people wanted of me. The last time I tried to stand up for myself in any way, well... let;s just say it did not exactly end well for me. It always seems to lead back to**him, **but not this. I am not going to let him win when it comes to Eli.

The happy face won out of course and I tagged after Eli and Adam to have pizza. In theory, the interaction was not awkward, but I felt out of place because I knew Adam had to know what was going on with Eli and me. I hated being judged silently. Adam was thinking about how I was probably a slut who just wanted to get with Eli for the connections he could provide me with or because I just liked sex. Neither of those were true, but Adam had no idea since we were practically strangers.

Our conversation was focused on how Degrassi had changed since Adam and Eli had graduated and how they were glad to be finished with college. I kind of talked about how I wanted to possibly study journalism at university and travel the world someday. The topics were all very friendly and did not get super personal until-

"I am glad Eli finally found a girl with a brain. I was getting tired of hanging out with floozies and having conversations about inane subjects," Adam told me, polishing off this fifth piece of pizza.

I had barely touched my salad garnished with vinegar and spinach, pushing around the food with my fork to make it look like I had been eating. I shot a look at Eli who wouldn't meet my eyes but was glaring at Adam for his comment.

Adam chuckles at Eli's dagger filled eyes and shrugs his shoulders. "Just being honest, dude. You were the same exact way when I finally broke up with Becky."

"She was an ignorant Christian bitch who was brainwashed. There is a big fucking difference, Adam," Eli retorted, sipping his glass of water.

My eyes flitted back and forth to watch their exchange. It was interesting watching how easily and openly they spoke to one another. I suppose years of friendship would do that for people.

Adam pointed at me and asked "What about the cross around her neck?"

My hand reached up to touch the golden piece of jewelry given to me when I was only nine years old. The promise that I would give myself to God and he would protect me. I believed in that for so long, but all it did was let me down. I still tried to base my morals on what God would want from me, but it seemed pointless when life had turned out the way it had for me. The necklace had been on my neck for so long, I barely even noticed it was there anymore.

"Clare isn't like she was, Adam. She is not trying to change who I am or refuse to accept me. Clare is a good person. Little Miss Sunshine was the spawn of Satan, okay?" Eli sighed and looked at me as if to apologize.

"But what about the girls you dated?" I said, finally finding my voice.

Eli widened his eyes at my question and Adam hid his smile behind his hand.

It was a legitimate question. Eli seemed to have a terrible track record for dating so I was curious to gather more information on those who came before me. Not that we were really dating. It was stupid to label something before you really knew what it was.

Eli cleared his throat and looked at me, "The only person I really dated was Imogen and that was a disaster. I am not sure if you want to hear that story though. I mean, it is messy and just not suitable for dinner talk."

I raised my eyebrow and put my fork down. "And what do you consider to be suitable dinner talk? Name calling Adam's ex girlfriend?"

Adam just laughed at the way Eli and I were acting.

"I think you have finally met your match, Eli," Adam said with amusement in his voice.

* * *

_I was starting to feel rather claustrophobic being inside of this small area with him when I was supposed to be working on something more important. But he refused to listen to my pleas to let me work and forced me into his office. It wasn't like I could say no, there was no one around and I was supposed to trust him. Nothing bad would happen if I was alone with him._

_At least, that is what I thought the first time when he asked me to come into his office. I thought I was going to get in trouble, but he just asked me questions and then let me go home. As time when on, he became more bold and started placing hands on my shoulders and playing with my curls. Eventually it progressed to kissing and slipping his hand up my skirt._

_But his warning always stayed in my mind, "If you tell anyone, I will make your life a living hell. That is a promise, Clare."_

_This was the reason I was letting his trace his fingers along my sternum, light as a feather. They traced the bone for a moment and then made their way down to my breasts. His nimble fingers undid the buttons on my blouse and exposed my bra. I could tell he was very eager by the way he forced off my shirt and almost ripped off my bra._

_My full breasts spilled out, causing his eyes to light up with lust. He kneaded his hands over my breasts forcefully, burying his face in my neck. He traced the pads of his thumbs over my nipples, causing them to harden. He kissed my neck with angry lips, biting and tugging at my gentle skin. _

_"__I have missed this, Clare. The feeling of your fullness in my hands and the taste of your skin. It has been way too long and you need to be fucked hard, don't you?" he whispered and grabbed my hair with his hand. He pulled it to make me answer him. "Don't you?"_

_I winced at the pain of my hair being pulled and nodded, "Yes, please..." I bit my lip, refusing to let him see me cry. My tears belonged to me and I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. _

_He shoved his hand up my skirt, forcing my legs apart. I felt his finger curl inside of me and explore the pink flesh between my legs. The way he did it though hurt, he was so forceful and did it harder and harder. _

_"__You are mine, Clare. No one else's. You belong to me," He whispered and kept his fingers inside of me, shoving them inside until he drew blood-_

"Clare, I think it is time you started going out and finding boys to date. It is not very healthy for someone your age to spend so much time alone. I worry about you so much. You and Darcy have been through so much and I-"

"Mom, stop. I do not want to talk about what I have been through, alright? You are not my therapist. Just stop, okay?" I sighed, wishing my mom would not bombard me when I was trying to read a book. Alone. In my room. With the door closed. I had been thinking about him, but she did not need to know that.

Mom walked over to where I was sitting on my bed and perched next to me cautiously. She was always very hesitant around me because she knew I could go off at any moment and start yelling. I also think she was worried I would try and hit her or something.

I put down my book and turned to face my mother. She was still the same mom I had always known, but there was a sadness which never seemed to leave her eyes. Perhaps it was because both of her daughters were emotionally fucked up and she could not fix us with Jesus. It could also have to do with the fact my dad left her only a few months ago for his twenty five year old fitness trainer. Life had dealt my mom a really shitty hand, and she was trying her best to deal.

"I think it would be good for you to get out and maybe date some nice boys from church," Mom said, pasting a smile on her face. "I am sure there are plenty who would want to date a smart, beautiful young woman like you."

I bit my lip and nodded. "Dating would be nice."

"I just don't want to go through all the hard times Darcy did, Clare. I couldn't handle..."

"Mom, it's okay. I am fine. Everything is fine. I will find some nice church boy to date. We will awkwardly hold hands and share popcorn at the movies. It will be great."

Mom smiled and reached out to hug me. "I love you, Clare and I only want you to be happy."

sometimes happiness just seems right out of my reach, especially with all of these memories of **him **starting to make their way back to the surfaces of my mind.

* * *

Lying next to him seems like the best thing to do right now. I don't want to think, I just want to be next to Eli for awhile. I can just lie next to him languidly, enjoying the feeling of being next to him. My thoughts are so choppy and confusing that I just need some simplicity in my life.

Eli's fingers dance over my arms and tickle my sides. I have to giggle when he tickles me which makes him smile. It is rare to get a real smile out of him so I have to enjoy the moment when it comes to me.

There is something easy about being with Eli. He does not want me to be someone I am not. He can accept me for who I am and is okay with my flaws. He doesn't care that I am not wearing makeup right now and I think it is adorable how he is kind of scruffy from skipping his morning shave. This is nothing like the bad memories which haunt the recesses of my mind. I can pretend all the bad things never happen and believe all that matters in life are these moments. Eli isn't going to hurt me.

"I am sorry about what happened with Adam," he whispered, tracing his lips over my cheek. I wanted to sigh at his thousandth apology.

"You were just being honest about how you felt. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion."

Eli kissed my temple. "I don't want you to think I consider you to be anything like Imogen."

I don't want to talk about ex girlfriends or anything in the past. My mind starts to wander to those dark places and I want to scream. "We aren't even talking about Imogen," I snap, anger suddenly filling my voice.

Eli ran his hand through his hair and rolled his eyes. "Don't start getting all defensive one Clare when I am simply trying to explain myself. I am not trying to do anything to make you upset."

"You can't talk to me like I am some kind of idiot," I said still mad and trying to push him away from me. The moment is gone and I want to be alone. There are memories which needed to be relived and I had to go through them by myself.

"You need to listen to yourself."his grip on me tightened and he looked me right in the eye.

I sighed and said nothing. He continued, "Clare, I am not going to give into your theatrics."

I pushed him away with all of my strength.

"Stop it, Clare. Stop it. Calm down and look at me, goddamnit. Fucking look at me and talk to me."

He pulled me back into his arms, calming me with his strong hands and holding me steady.

"Just look into my eyes and tell me what you really want to say, Clare. I can handle anything you want to throw my way. I promise you that." He was so calm and sure of himself, much better at staying in control of his emotions than I was.

The moment was all about us.

There were no secrets and lies to tear us apart. Eli wanted me to be honest and not hold any words back.

It was so much different than those dark moments where my trust was shattered by a man I once thought so highly of. Eli was not that kind of person though. He was better.

"My mom wants to me to start dating nice boys at church."

Eli chuckled. "I am not a nice church boy, am I?"

"She doesn't know about you."

"I know."

I looked him in the eyes. "My mom always blames herself for what happened to my sister. She wants me to not end up like Darcy. But she doesn't seem to know how to save herself either. I hear her crying at night."

Eli pointed at himself. "I understand what having crazy parents can be like. Sometimes I wonder if mine should have even be allowed to have me."

I shook my hand, not trying to talk about parents.

"It is not about my mom. Or my dad who left. It is about me who is a total mess because my life became so fucked up. I thought I would be able to trust him and he violated my trust. That didn't matter though. Even when it was found out, everything was my fault. My fault. He told me I would always be his and I guess he was right. I am still this walking mess because of what he did." I was conscious of the words coming from my mouth, but I could not stop them. The truth kept coming out every single time I was around Eli. I seemed to like telling him the truth.

"Clare," he said, my name like it was some kind of way to save me from losing myself in the mess of emotions I was having. A life preserver. Just the way he said my name was enough.

I sighed and looked at him, "It's not that easy."

Eli suddenly stood up and placed himself in front of me. He grabbed my hands and placed them against his chest. He pulled me into his arms moments later and held me against him like a child.

"Nothing is ever easy," he whispered and stroked my hair. 'But I am not going anywhere."

"You should leave while you can," I replied.

He shook his head. "Never."

I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I am right here,"he murmured into my hair and kissed my ear.

I nodded, but did not reply to his heavy words.

* * *

**So, what do you think? Reviews make me happy so I write and try to update faster. *eats gummy bears alone and waits for some reviews* I will share my candy if you leave a review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: It has been awhile. But here is the new chapter. I hope you enjoy. Please read, review, favorite, follow, and whatever. Reviews make me less adept to jumping off buildings for fun ;)  
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This is the story of a girl who dared to believe in happy endings and to find the best in people. She thought the world was full of good, caring people. Never did she anticipate she would encounter who would alter the course of her entire life. In the beginning, it was positive. He promised her the world, she would be able to experience more wonderful opportunities than most people and enjoy the finer things in the world. She was so young and gullible, she took every word he said to be as exact truth. Whatever he wanted from her, she would give him. He told it they needed to keep it a secret until the time was right because "other people just would not understand the special bond we share." She wanted so badly to believe he was being honest with her, but a little voice in her mind began to cast shadows of doubt upon her seemingly perfect life.

First, she was beautiful just the way she was. But wouldn't she be even more so if she lost ten pounds? She would not look so bottom heavy, and people would be impressed by how gorgeous she had become. No more eating chips, pizza, or candy. There was also no sugary drinks allowed. Minimal salads and water with lemon wedges would appease her and help take the weight off. He was not forcing her to eat that way, but it would make him happy. She wanted to make him happy, didn't she?

Stolen kisses were all fun and games. There was a thrill in being covert about messing around. She loved the way her lips swelled after the kisses because he said she looked beautiful. Again and again, he reiterated her beauty to her. He wanted her to understand how lovely she was. Even though at first, she rejected his advances. The first time he had kissed her, she had run away and cried. However, he was able coax her into seeing they were not doing anything wrong. After that, she was alright with their little liaisons when no one was around.

Eventually, she found out fairy tales were not real. She was left with a shattered life and no way to put the pieces back together.

* * *

"Eli, more. Please...right there..." I whispered, squirming at the way his fingers leisurely made their way up my thigh. He chuckled at my raw need for him to touch me all over, taking his sweet time to torture me like he loved to do. It took everything I had to not take his hand in mine and force him to feel the wetness between my thighs.

He brushed his lips against my collarbone and said, "This is not something we should be doing when you are supposed to be allowing me to fill out the paperwork to give to your teacher. You keep distracting me, Edwards, at the most inopportune times."

I sighed and pushed him away. "You are right. I need to get to co-op paperwork completed first. I don't want Ms. Oh to think I am not doing my best here. In fact, it would be terrible for anyone to think I am doing this to just be with you. Oh, God... everyone is going to find out, and they are going to send me away again. I don't want to-"

Eli stared up at me with his eyebrows raised and questions piercing his lovely emerald eyes. He knew I had some issues, but I never went in depth. I did not want him to know the extremities of how fucked up my life had been only a few months before. I was trying to start fresh and resume being the Clare Edwards everyone thought was akin to Mother Theresa. He did not need to know all the bullshit I went through last year and how much it messed u. I could easily put on a facade and be whoever Eli wanted me to be when I was with him.

He did not need to know I spent about a month in the hospital. They asked me questions and tried to gauge what was wrong with me. They wanted to know why I was scared to tell anyone what I was hiding, why I didn't reach out for help sooner. Most of all, they wanted to let me know it was not my fault. Nothing I had done caused what happened...sometimes things just happen and we have to learn to deal. It was easy for them to spew the bullshit because it was their lives. Doctors and such can tell you a lot of crap when they want to make sure your parents are happy. They want you to be another of their success stories.

Vagueness and ambiguity are my specialties. I never reveal more than I need to and I always make sure people never know the full truth. I am sure Eli knows I am not telling him everything, but ne never pushes me.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang. I reached over to where it was lying on the table and stared at the screen. For some unknown reason, my ex boyfriend was calling. I had not heard from him since before I had to go to the hospital. He told me not so nicely I was a two bit whore who deserved whatever came my way. It was curious to see his name on my phone. I used to get butterflies when I would see his name, but now I only feel a sense of queasiness settling over me.

"Sorry, gotta take this," I said to Eli and rushed outside to answer my phone. "Hello?"

"Clare, I was wondering if you would answer my call. Since the last time we talked didn't go so well. But yes, hello. It has been a long time, hasn't it?" Jake Martin greeted me with his usual easy going tone.

My mind was going over all the reasons Jake could be calling. None of them made a lot of sense to me at all. We had not ended on the best note. He said he never wanted to see me or speak to me again. We screamed and yelled. Things were said. I think some objects were broken. It was not an easy or painless breakup.

"What do you want, Jake?" I asked, tapping my foot impatiently. I was standing outside of the doors to Eli's office and could see him filling out the paperwork. He bit his lip in concentration, then looked up as though he noticed I was looking at him. He gave me a small smile and returned to writing a moment later.

Jake replied, "I want to apologize for how huge of an ass I was. And maybe possibly take you to dinner tonight if you are not busy? I could pick you up in twenty minutes if you wanted."

"Dinner?" I echoed, biting the inside of my cheek and tapping my foot even faster. Dinner. Food. Eating. Ex boyfriend. Not a good combination

"Yeah. You and me. Food. Talking. Me apologizing a lot. I promise you we could have a lot of fun, Clare."

I took a deep breath and said, "Sure. Why not? Give me an hour though. I am still doing some school related work and need time to get home. I will text you when I am ready to go. Sound like a plan?"

"Can't wait. See you then."

"Yeah, see you then," I said and ended the call. I tapped my phone against my lips and watched Eli for a moment. How was I going to explain I was going on a date with my ex boyfriend to my mentor who I let touch me in naughty places?

Eli insisted on driving me home when I told him there was a family matter happening at home. He promised he would have the paper work all ready when I came in the next time and told me to call him when I was able. He was being so kind and caring. It made me feel like the worst person in the world to know he would be thinking about me while I was on a date to the guy I had been dating only a few months prior.

Eli and I were not dating. Labels could not be adhered to the situation we placed ourselves in. He was older than I am, and he was my internship mentor. Both of us could get into worlds of trouble if the truth came out. But I knew he would be unhappy with me if I told him what was going to happen with Jake. Eli told me he was not into seeing other people at the moment which I took to translate to his way of saying he was making our arrangement exclusive. For me though, I wasn't ready to commit myself to one person. I had been through way too much to allow one person to control me ever again.

Not that Eli was controlling, but... it all made sense in my muddled brain.

Going on a date with Jake doesn't have to mean anything. It could just be a chance for us to apologize for the way we left everything and then move on. I was hesitant in accepting his invitation because I was worried what could happen. But now with time to think about our date, I don't see why I should be worried at all. We are just two people who used to date catching up on old times. People do it all the time. No reason to make something small into such a huge deal. I will be able to reassure my mother life is going back to normal for me. I am dating again like she wanted, and it is with a boy she really liked. Jake and I dated for about six months until everything exploded, then we broke up most chaotically. Of course, my mother thought it was my fault. She never took the time to think maybe what I had accused Jake of doing could be true. Perhaps he had called me all of those terrible names and said I got whatever I deserved. I would not make those things up just because he had broken up with me. I was fucked up royally at that point, but not enough to lie about my ex boyfriend. I had much more pressing issues plaguing me, Jake Martin was barely a blip on my life is fucked up radar.

* * *

My phone beeped to signal an incoming text. I was just finishing up my mascara when I looked down at the screen out of the corner of my eye. My heart raced when I saw it was Eli. He always managed to have the most profound impact me on me, even in the smallest ways.

His text read: **Have to go to dinner with Adam and his family. Wish me luck :/**

I smiled and picked up my phone to reply: **Good luck. Don't forget to finish my paperwork soon :)**

** Already done. You will have to properly thank me later ;)**

I was going to say something rather clever when I heard my mother announce from downstairs, "You have a guest, Clare!" Her voice was filled with glee and excitement, like she was already planning a wedding for me and what I would name all ten of the grandchildren she so desperately wanted. I swear, my mother was going to plan out my whole life before I even had the chance to graduate from high school. Maybe even before I got downstairs if I wasn't quick enough...

I shoved my phone into my clutch and rushed downstairs. I found my mother sitting on the couch with Jake, engaged in animate conversation. Her hands were moving quickly and she was gesturing wildly.

Jake glanced at me out the corner of his eye with a silent plea of help me. So I cleared my throat and said, "All ready for our date, Jake. Let's go."

Mom jumped up when she saw me and clapped her hands together. "You look so beautiful, Clare. So vibrant and healthy! I love how the dress looks on you. You are the most beautiful-"

I gritted my teeth and hissed, "Mother, please. I don't need a positive reinforcement speech about my outfit. I am fine. I would just like to leave before you torture poor Jake to death."

She frowned and glanced at Jake. She was reprimanding me with her eyes, accusing me of being overly rude in front of our guest. Funny how she used to always narrow her eyes when Jake was around, but now she treats him like the golden child. I suppose after what she had been through with me and Darcy, she would accept a nice young man over the drama my sister and I brought upon her household.

Jake was tapping his fingers against his leg, hoping we would be leaving soon. "You look great, Clare," he said in an obligatory tone, as though my mom had forced him to pay me a compliment.

We had not even left the house yet, and he was already being a dick. Why had I agreed to this again?

I rolled my eyes and replied, "Thank you, Jake." I walked over to the door and he followed. "I will be back home by eleven, Mom. Don't wait up."

Fifteen minutes later, we were pulling up to an expensive French restaurant and Jake opened the car door for me. The mixed signals were really confusing. First he was sweet, then a dick, and sweet again. I already had a roller coaster of emotions within myself, I did not need an exterior one in the form of my ex boyfriend. He also held the door of the restaurant open and we were immediately seated at a nice table by the window. There were candles and a small arrangement of flowers. This seemed like a lot more than a simple apology dinner to me...

"I am not going to sleep with you," I whispered after the waiter had given us glasses of ice water with lemon. I picked out the lemon and hid it under my napkin. I was not in the mood to be taunted by yellow fruit.

Jake laughed and sipped his water. "Remember the time when we almost had sex?" he asked, grinning at me. He put his glass down and looked me in the eye. "I am sorry I tried to push you into it the way I did. If I had known what was really going on, things would have been a lot different. I am sorry, Clare. I had no idea."

Oh, my god. She did it. My mother told Jake every little fucking detail of what happened to me. She must have mentioned **him** as well. I cannot believe she would betray me this way. My own mother, who said she loved me more than anything and only wanted what was best for me. My mother told Jake all about my stint in the loony bin and how fucked I have been since then. Otherwise, there is no way he would have known. My body is shaking with anger. All I want to do is take the salad fork and gouge out his eyes. I can't handle him being all nice and feeling bad for me. I already get it enough it from people who know the truth, and I didn't want it from Jake Martin.

I crossed my leg together and began tapping my right foot. I counted to ten a few times and tried to calm myself down. I noticed the way the wax dripped down the candle, the deep crimson red of the table cloth contrasted with the pure whiteness of the flower arrangement, and most of all, I noticed the way the guy across the room looked identical to Eli. I glanced at Jake who was lost in the fancy leather bound menu and then back at maybe Eli.

At the moment, I was about to say something to Jake.. I felt as though someone was watching me. I glanced and realized it was Eli. He was trying to decide if it really was me, and there was not a pleasant expression on his face.

If I had to choose an emotion to describe Eli, it would have to be anger. He did well to hide it, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a second. Eli had been dealing with bipolar for years, he knew how to keep the crazy under control.

Ah, yes. He was out to dinner with Adam and Adam's family. What are the chances he and I ended up at the same place to eat?

Silly fate, you are so funny. Why would you do this to me?

* * *

I had to excuse myself for a moment to go the restroom. Jake nodded at me for a moment and went back to studying the menu as though his life depended on it. He always was way too obsessed with food and eating. Now that I had issues with food, the thought of having to share a meal was making me ill. Not to mention I needed to calm myself down if Eli was in the same place and seeing me on a date with someone else. We had no put labels on us, but I know he cared about me. Seeing me with Jake was the equivalent of stabbing Eli in the heart with a knife and twisting it a few times for good measure. At least, I would feel similar if I saw him with another girl.

I walked briskly to the signs which pointed the restroom and was ready to throw up the meal I had eaten earlier. The stress was getting to me, and I did not know what else to do. Throwing up would make me feel better. I could concentrate on releasing the toxic food out of my system and not on the way Eli looked like he wanted to castrate Jake with his bare hands. Anything else but the rampant thoughts running through my head of what Eli was going to think of me or Jake's questions about who Eli was. None of those things were appealing. I could focus on the purging, making myself feel lighter and happier once again.

"Clare."

I spun around as I was about to enter the restroom, gasping to see it really was Eli standing before me. I pulled my hand away from the door and stepped to the side to face him.

He had his hands tucked in his pockets and his hair was falling into his eyes in the sexy way it always does. Eli was smirking at me too, waiting for some kind of explanation I did not possess. He stepped towards me slowly, pinning me against the wall with his hip. I could hear my heart thudding in my chest and examined the way Eli studied me before placing a hand on my waist.

"I am not in high school anymore, Clare. I am not really amused by petty, childish games," Eli told me in a low voice, leaning in so his voice tickled my neck. "I am not going to let you play me while the guy across the table looks at you like he is ready to fuck you hard."

I gasped again, surprised at the vulgarity of his words. "Eli, I-"

"Is that what you want, Clare? Do you want to make me jealous so I will fuck you hard? Fuck your sweet little ass hard and long til you scream my name? Tell me if you really want it." He nipped the nape of my neck with his teeth, following it up with feather light kisses. "I don't share very well. And I really don't plan on sharing you with some asshole."

I felt myself getting wet at his tone and words, how commanding he was. I shifted my legs because of the wetness, trying to not give away the impact he was having on me. This was a public place, and we should have not been acting this way. But there was just something about the rush I felt when he touched me.

"My, my Clare Edwards," Eli whispered as he took my hand and led me into the guys restroom. He smirked at me again and then we were in the last stall. He locked it and pushed me against the wall. "So wet for me, aren't you?" His fingers slid up my dress and through my lace thongs.

I moaned at the insertion of his fingers into my tight pussy, biting my lip at the skill he used his thumb to play with my clit.

"Eli," I murmured.

He looked at me with those luminous green orbs of his eyes. "Tell me, Clare. Where did we leave off last time?"

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**Leave a review, maybe? ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here is the worst update ever. Sorry it took awhile. School and work keep me bsuy. But I will try to update more. This chapter is short, but Clare's secret is finally revealed. Leave some reviews to make my day? :)**

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"Tell me, Clare. Where did we leave off last time?"

There was a hint of challenge in his voice as he stared at me. I was backed up against the cold tile wall of the bathroom stall with my skirt hiked up and his hands teasing the place between my thighs he made quiver with desire. I placed my hands against the wall in an attempt to catch my breath. His eyes were daring me to answer his question and his voice held the slightest hint of anger. No matter what I said, he was going to make me pay.

I bit the inside of my cheek and moved my head slightly to remove a stray curl lingering over my eye. Focusing on the inside of my cheek caused my thoughts to become coherent again. Alright, I was alone with Eli in a restroom. He was teasing me with those dexterous fingers of his, waiting for me to say anything.

Eventually Jake was going to wonder what had happened to me. I had excused myself for a few moments and now, a decent amount of time had passed. His impressions of me must have been dwindling as each ticked by. He was going to think I had abandoned him again, the way I had left him one of the last nights we were together. I gave him no real explanation, just told him I wasn't going to be able to stay around for our date. Jake thought I was blowing him off for some other guy at school, and I really wish it had been that easy to explain. I wish it was just some other guy who made me smile in the hall or walked me to class, but not quite. It was the man who promised the world on a silver platter and only delivered heartbreak and devastation instead.

"Clare. Look at me," Eli demanded, breaking up my deep thoughts. He frowned and slid his finger inside of my wet folds. "It doesn't exactly boost my ego if you are daydreaming about Plaid Man while I am trying to make you come."

Eli slid his finger in and out slowly, watching the way my body responded to his. I began to involuntarily let out low moans and close my eyes in ecstasy. There was no room in my thoughts for anything but this moment when Eli did the things he did.

I squirmed more as Eli parted my delicate folds, using his finger to rub the clit and began to pump his finger in and out of my pussy.

"Fuck, you're tight...I only have one finger in and I can feel you clenched around it."

"Eli.."I moaned and waited for him to make me cum.

. I was beginning to enjoy his fingers wanting him to go faster; I began bucking my hips to make him move more.

"You want to come, don't you? Only I make you this wet, Clare. I know he would never know how to touch you the way I do. And he would not know the right way to fuck your amazingly tight pussy. Would he?"

I shook my head, knowing Jake would never know how to use his hands that well.

Eli removed his hand and said, "I am going to make you forget all about him. I want you to know how much I care about you, Clare. How much I need you. Most of all, I want him to know you are mine."

He gave me a few quick kisses before and removing his pants and boxers.

His cock was obviously a lot bigger than his fingers. I felt my legs closing some, chewing on my bottom lip nervously. He was so much bigger than I had ever seen before. I was sure there was no way he was going to fit inside of me.

Eli's hands slowly slide up my legs, grasping my thighs to slowly open them up.

"You have to be quiet, or we are going to get caught." He looked me in the eyes with serious tones.

I nodded and kept staring at his hard cock. There was no something that impressive was going to fit inside of me. I could already feel my flesh being torn open and wanted to cry from the thought of that much pain. I had endured so much pain from what had happened months before, I could feel my body shaking with fear.

Eli noticed my fear and frowned. He watched the way my body shied away from his and gently stroked my hair. He also kissed my forehead and held me close to him for a moment. He whispered, "It's just me, Clare. Everything is fine. I promise you."

"I just don't want it to be like... please don't hurt me..." I whispered back, tears falling down my face. Eli kissed the tears away and held me for a few more moments. It was one of the strangest momenst of my life, but I was glad to be with him. There was just something about him which made me believe it was possible to erase all the pain and ugliness of the past away.

My thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of the smooth head of Eli's cock rubbing between my thighs. I forgot how good it could actually feel. I felt my clit growing wetter from the contact with his cock. The tingling sensation between my thighs was growing, waiting for Eli.

"Clare, this is going to hurt a little," he whispered and kissed my forehead. "Hold onto me and bite my shoulder if you need to."

I nodded nervously and grabbed onto his arms as he held me against the wall. He lifted me up and I felt his cock begin to penetrate my tight pussy. It hurt a lot more than I thought so I bite his shoulder to mask my cries of pain.

Eli let out a small gasp of pleasure at the shock of how tight I was around his cock.

He was bigger than I was used to. It felt good though and I said to him, "You are way too big for me, Eli."

Eli groaned at my comment. He kissed me hard, our tongues interwtining. We were starting to get lost in the heat of the moment. I knew he wanted to fuck me hard, and I wanted to feel his cock thrusting deep inside of me.

Eli started pumping his hips into me, losing himself in the moment. I don't remember the last time sex had felt this good for me. Not to mention, it was pretty hot to be doing it where we could get caught. I had given up being a good girl a long time ago, but this was a whole new realm. His hips met mine, and his cock stretched out my tight pussy rather nicely.

I dug my fingers into his back and said, "Eli...please..."

"…you," he said in between thrusts, "are... Mine!"

I moaned and nodded. I could not focus on anything but his cock. The way it felt inside of me. Gone were all the flashbacks of being treated like an object for sex. At least for this moment. I knew having sex with Eli was not the magical cure to let go of what had happened in the past. But it was a nice distraction for the time being.

"Moan for me, Clare. Let me know how much you like being fucked hard for me. Tell me you would rather have my cock than his. Promise me there is nothing to be jealous about and that you are mine." Eli started fucking me harder, holding my hips to keep me steady and in place.

"Oooh, Eli," I moaned and closed my eyes to concentrate on the feeling of his cock pumping into me again and again. Fuck. I did not know sex could feel this good. Eli was really, really talented. "I am yours. I promise you."

"I'm going to cum," He murmured against my lips, his hands reaching under to squeeze my ass as he kept pounding his cock into me. I moaned loudly, grabbing onto him, feeling his cock twitch as he came inside of me. He leaned against me, panting.

I expected he was going to pull out, but he moved his hand up my clit. "You need to come, Clare. I want to feel your sweet wetness all over my cock." he pumped his finger in and out quickly, causing me to shiver with excitement. He added in rubbing my swollen clit with his thumb.

"Eli...I..."

"Come for me, Clare," he commanded and I felt the release. For a few moments, I only saw white and felt a wave of pleasure overtaking myself.

"I..." Words were not coming to me.

"Good girl, Clare," Eli whispered and kissed my temple. "That's my girl. You like being fucked, don't you?"

I nodded and closed my eyes, wondering when the guilt would start to set in.

* * *

There was no point of going back to see Jake. I had no way to explain what had happened nor did I care to. It was a mistake to even agree to see him again. He only wanted to absolve himself for his wrongs because of what my mother had told him. If she had not aid anything, Jake Martin would have never given me another thought.

Perhaps he would always think of me as the stuck up prude princess who never put out for him or maybe I would be the girl who broke his heart. My impressions of Jake were often muddled because he was never willing to share how he really felt. It always tended to make him uncomfortable or angry. In fact, if Jake had to talk about his feelings in any context, he would turn it into a joke. Or just smoke weed so he did not think about anything important.

Eli was different. He was older and had more experienced. He knew what the world was like; he had goals and plans for the future. He was was not all about sports and being macho. That isn't to say Eli was not a man because holy fuck, was he ever, but there was more to him. Eli was one of the most caring and wonderful people I had ever met. He never pushed me to reveal more than I wanted to. Eli would listen to me talk about my dreams about going to New York and studying journalism. He never laughed at me when I told him I wanted to be a published author someday. And he managed to make forget how fucked up my past was for at least a few moments.

However, now that I had the time to think about everything I realized how much of a mistake I had made. I should have not let him get me alone and do things to me. I should have said no and gone back to Jake. My mother would be so mad when she learned I had bailed on the date. She had been all over about me dating again and I blew my one chance. Guys were not exactly beating down the door to ask me out. Jake was the only prospect I had, and now he is long gone. Why did I do these things to myself?

* * *

Eli had told me he made the excuse of an emergency to say goodbye to Adam's family after we walked to his car. I had just snuck out the back door of the restaurant and waited in the alley. No one paid attention to me, a girl freezing in the alleyway with tears running down her face. I was probably just another weirdo who hung out in alleyways to people who passed by.

Eli had asked me why I was crying, but I said nothing. There were too many thoughts running rampant in my mind and no sufficient way to articulate how I was truly feeling about myself at the moment. Silence was the only defense mechanism I had, and I was going to use it for all it was worth. I could not look at myself or Eli. Everything had been fine in the moment. I was able to forget all the ugliness of the past and focus on us. Even though Eli is older, I could believe there was a chance for us to be together. I was not expecting miracles, but I wouldn't have minded a little bit of happiness for myself. I would get to replay this episode when I went to therapy and tear apart why I behave so self destructively when it comes to men. What a fun time it would be.

"Clare, will you please say something. Anything. Tell me that you hate. Tell me you don't want to see me again. Anything but this fucking silence," Eli said to me for the thousandth time as we sat parked in his car with light shining in from the street lamps above us. We were in front of his apartment building while he waited for me to speak.

All I wanted to say was how sorry I was. It was not easy though. There were so many thoughts swirling through my head and I had no way to explain to him everything I was feeling inside. He would think I was crazy. I mean, he had been through therapy and meds like I had. But there was a medical explanation for what was wrong with Eli. There was not one for me though. I was just simply fucked up in the head. Eli had grown to care for me and I shut myself off from him. I was doing it to avoid being hurt and so I did not have to let him in. nothing inside of me could fathom telling him the truth. If Eli knew what had happened to me, he would run away before I had the chance to utter my next sentence. If I shut him out, it would save him from having to know what I was really like. You see, I was doing this to protect Eli from me. I was doing a good thing.

Finally, I could not sit in the car any longer. I opened the car door, got of the car and began to walk away. My movements had been so quick it took Eli a moment to realize I was already gone. He followed me as I was walking, seizing my wrist

"Goddammit, Clare. Talk to me. Don't shut yourself off to me after what happened between us. It makes me feel like you don't fucking care!" Eli yelled, running his hand through his hair nervously.

I stared down at his hand on my wrist. "Maybe I don't," I told him, finding my words again. I dared myself to look him in the eyes and found him rendered speechless by my cruel words. He jerked back like I had slapped him and took a few steps away from me.

"Why are you being like this, Clare? This isn't you, I know you."

I shook my head at him. "No, you don't. If you did, what we did would have never happened. It was a mistake. Nothing should have happened between us, Eli."

Eli smirked. "You seemed to enjoy it while it was happening. Don't lie to me, Clare."

"Every time I look at you now, it reminds me of how Asher raped me for six months!" I scream at him, letting my big secret be revealed.

Eli stares at me with disbelief. "Raped?" I watch the Eli who used to like me become the Eli who pities me.

I can't handle him looking at me like that so I run as fast as I can to get away. He doesn't follow me or call my name. I run until I am almost home, then I collapse on a bench. My body shakes with sobs. Now that Eli knows what really happened to me, I can never see him again...

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**reviews do make my day :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**This chapter is a little strange, but you get some insight into Eli. WARNING: Trigger in this chapter in the form of rape. So, um, don't read it if that makes you uncomfortable.I am very proud of the chapter. The dream is from another piece I wrote, a weird one shot. I am going upload the one shot separately, but I liked how I put it in here. Hope you guys liked too. Read and leave a review?**

* * *

There was nothing wrong with crying on a park bench at night. None whatsoever. My life had just imploded all around me thanks to my big mouth so I was allowed to shed a few tears over my extreme stupidity.

The tears were not for Asher at all. I refused to every give the bastard the satisfaction of being worth my tears ever again. I had only cried once when it came to him, the last time he raped me. I had grown accustomed to being treated like his play thing; he told me I was beautiful and he was going to make sure all of my journalism dreams came true. I had managed to shut myself off to how bad he was treating me and began to believe what he was saying. I could be more beautiful if I got lost weight, there was nothing wrong with what he was doing to me, and everything would find a way to come together in the end. Asher had spewed so many lies from his vile mouth, I am sure he began to believe them, too. One can imagine all the cliches about what happens when an older man "takes advantage" of a younger girl and apply them to my life. All of it was true. The aftermath still haunts me daily. I developed an eating disorder which seems to come and go as it pleases and have many issues when it comes to letting people in. My life was not perfect before Asher came along, but it was a hell of a lot better than the mess it had become.

Therapy was supposed to be the cure for all of my problems. I saw my lovely therapist a certain amount of times per week and took my daily meds. The doctors from the hospital told my mother things would get better with time. I was a young woman who had been through a highly traumatic experience and still much needed to be resolved. There were things I would still not talk about, like how everything ended. I could not bear to say the words. The doctor told me what had happened, but I found it impossible to believe. There was no way he had meant me. I was not the type of person to try and – no. I refused to think about anything related to what happened. I was going to just shove it back into the caverns of my mind and hope it buried itself once again.

I had no idea how to express my feelings when it came to Asher. I could easily put on a facade and make the world believe I was just fine. Disaster would ensue if my mother or anyone else ever found out how often I thought about Asher. It was though he haunted me. I could hear him tell me the words he whispered to me again and again every fucking day:

"_Remember, Clare... you belong to me. No one else will ever really want you."_

"_You are nothing but damaged goods, Edwards. You are lucky I even waste my time fucking your pathetic ass."_

"_You will never belong to anyone but me."_

"_You will never be good enough, Clare."_

Asher had taken a piece of me I was unsure of how to retrieve. He had ripped away what innocence I had left, and in its place filled me with self hate and anger.

After everything that had happened, I understood why Darcy went to Africa. She had to get away from all the reminders of her rape. People looked at you strangely and pitied you. They wanted to cure you and tell you life was going to be fine. None of them really understood it because they did not need to deal with it day after day. Darcy had been so overwhelmed by everything which had happened to her, her rape and the afterward...she tried to kill herself. I remember thinking she was stupid and God would have never forgiven her for what she almost did to herself.

But now... now I understand. If anything, I would have done the same thing. Hell...I tried to do the same thing. My mom had found me lying on the bathroom floor and called the ambulance. She saved my life and cried over how she had almost lost her other child as well. Then why I did it was found out and my life was never the same again.

Considering everything that had happened lately, I was allowed to cry on a damned bench for as long as I wanted.

"Clare."

I looked up and found Eli standing in front of me. He had shed his dinner outfit for something more casual. He was now wearing a black zip up hoodie, jeans, and beat up sneakers. His hair glinted under the street lights, showing it was still wet from a recent shower.

Without a word, he sat down next to me and waited. I was not sure what he was doing here but I was not going to ask him to leave. It was comforting to have him next to me, even if I had snot and tears streaming down my tomato colored face. Anything was better than being alone with my thoughts of Asher.

"I should have told you I wasn't a virgin," I sniffled and look at him from the corner of my eye. "I know most guys don't like it when a girl they have been with is damaged goods."

I heard Eli take a sharp intake of breath and clench his hands into fists, tapping his feet against the pavement quickly. I could feel the fury radiating off his body from my simple statement and waited to see how he was going to respond.

"Damaged goods?" he echoed and stood up. He began pacing back and forth in front of the bench in a rapid succession, muttering to himself.

I slowly nodded and wiped away the snot of my face with the sleeve of my cardigan. I did not like feeling this way in front of Eli, but he deserved to know what I was really like.

Eli scoffed. "I don't know how you do it, but you are an amazing actress, Clare. You almost had me believing your words. Damaged goods is a nice word choice. Bravo."

My mouth dropped in awe at his statement and I felt myself getting angry. How dare he behave as though I was pretending all of this. How I was feeling was very well. Eli had no damned right to say I was acting to get his sympathy. He was quickly turning into the biggest asshole I had ever met.

"Fuck you, Eli. You have no idea what I have been through. I spent the summer wishing I was dead. I still feel that way sometimes. Excuse me for wanting to be happy for ten seconds before you call me a liar!" I screamed at him.

Eli turned and looked at me. "I did not call you a liar. I just wanted you to be angry. Some asshole raped you, and you are still blaming yourself." He sat back down and placed a hand on my arm.

"None of it was ever your fault, Clare. I was shocked when you told me, but I never pitied you. I was angry at the guy who ever thought it was okay to hurt you. If I ever find him, I will make him wish he was dead."

I leaned over and pushed some of his hair from his face. There was a sweet and gentle soul inside of Eli. I wished I had met him before Asher so I could have had a chance at happiness. Eli graduated when I was still in grade 8. But still... it would have wonderful to have the chance to make only good memories with Eli and not be tainted by what Asher did to me.

"With Asher... it never felt-felt right," I said hoarsely, biting back the tears hiding in the back of my throat. "But with you, I felt safe. I could almost erase what happened with him when you were inside of me."

His eyes widen and he pulls me against him. He rests his chin on my head and whispers, "I don't want to hurt you, Clare. I care about you. More than I have cared about anyone in a long time. There is something special about you, Edwards."

* * *

_"I've been saving myself for you, Clare," Eli said, the moonlight making his green eyes shimmer with excitement. "Actually, I have been waiting my whole life for you. And I am going to take what rightfully belongs to me."_

_Clare's eyes widened with panic and she backed herself up against Morty's passenger door. "You are scaring me, Eli. I want to go home. Take me home right now!" she demanded, tears pooling in the corners of her blue eyes. _

_Eli leaned in, tilting his head in amusement. "Oh, Clare, Clare, Clare. You have been saving yourself too. Just for me..." he placed one hand on her left hand, twisting her purity ring around and his other hand on her upper thigh. She was wearing a dress which granted easy access to the place he craved, the area of beautiful carnal delight._

_Clare's entire body stiffened and tears began to fall down her cheeks. The moonlight made them stand out against her pale skin, making them appear like little diamonds flowing down. Her blue orbs searched Eli for some trace of compassion, but only found pure animal desire in his own green orbs. There was some kind of distance Eli placed upon himself because she could no longer see the confident boy she had fallen so hard for just three months ago. Instead, there was this monster who took pleasure in her tears and pain._

_Eli placed his hand farther up her thigh, lifting her dress to see what he had longed to take a look at for so long. Her skin was just as pale and creamy, making him long to run his tongue inside her inner thighs. The hand which had been playing with her purity ring now made its way down to her free thigh, slowly opening her legs with his long fingers._

_Clare's whole body stiffened as Eli explored the space between her legs, reaching his hand to slide underneath her lacy black underwear. It turned him on to see his sweet angel had a darker side, one he was going to bring out this evening. In order to fully possess Clare, he needed to see her darkest side and claim it for his own. He already had the angel, now he needed the one who would take pleasure in the pain being inflicted upon her. _

_Eli looked up at Clare and said, "I can promise you by the end of tonight you will no longer have any doubts about us. But I can also promise you if you do not do as I wish, you will end up like Julia. And we all know how her story ended. I don't think you want the same fate, do you, Clare Edwards?" He began tracing his tongue along her thighs, letting his long fingers begin to tease her clit and tight hole. _

_"Julia is dead, Eli. You are not making any sense," Clare said, trying to stay calm so she could convince Eli to stop what he was doing. She hoped she could find a way to make him just stop this nonsense and take her home. She would never tell anyone, but she wanted Eli to stop._

_Eli clucked his tongue and chuckled. "It makes perfect sense, Clare. If you do not submit to me, you will end up just like her. I don't think I stuttered or made anything unclear. I am sure I made perfect sense. Do you understand now?"_

_Fear gripped Clare's body as she realized what Eli meant. He was not joking and probably had no intentions of stopping what he was doing. But now the darkness had taken over Eli, and Clare was going to his next victim. She was taking Julia's place in his mind, last place she ever wanted to step into. The situation revealed she would suffer the same fate as Julia no matter what she did._

_Eli ripped her lacy underwear off and began to move his fingers in and out of her tight opening. She could feel her also teasing her clit, which began to make her wet. She did not understand how her body could be responding in pleasure when they were tears streaming down her face and she was paralyzed with fear._

_"Clare, I am not going to spend forever doing this to you. I want you now to lie back against the seat and I am going to make you mine. But not yet." Eli leaned back for a moment, unzipping his black skinny jeans. He took them off with relative ease to reveal his throbbing cock. "I want to suck my cock and show you how much you love me. Show me you want to please me, and that you do not want to end up like her. It would not look well for you Clare to end up like her..."_

_Clare's eyes widen at Eli's large member. She hesitated, scared to make any movements. Her body was terrified, but she was also curious. She had never really seen a male up close before and Eli's size was rather impressive._

_Eli sighed in frustration and grabbed the back of Clare's head. Her curls tickled his fingers and he forced her head down. "Open your mouth, Clare. Take my cock inside of your gorgeous mouth and suck. Suck like your life depends on it, because it kind of does." Eli laughed at his own joke, waiting for Clare to make her move. _

_Clare obeyed Eli, taking his cock into her pretty little mouth. She began to bob her head up and down, sucking hard. It felt weird to have him in her mouth, but she could not struggle with him holding her head. Eli forced her head up and down, moaning and telling her to go faster. She began to suck harder and faster, even teasing him with the tip of her tongue. She found some strange pleasure in being forced to please him. His cock was long and hard, almost making her choke a few times._

_"I am going to cum, Clare. I want you to swallow my cum and then lean back, Clare. Because I am going to fuck you long and hard. I am going to show you that you need me and won't ever leave me. You are mine. Always and forever. I promise no one will between us and live to tell the tale of it. It may sound melodramatic, but it turns me on. "_

_Clare tried her best not to cry anymore, but she was scared of Eli. She was being forced to do things she wanted to wait until she was married to do. Now Eli was talking of her being his and killing anyone who got in his way. As the moments passed, Clare became more afraid of how this was all going to end for her. _

_Eli yanked her curls hard and forced his cock deep in her throat, his body shuddering as he came. She felt the hot liquid pour down her throat and her first instinct was to spit it out. She tried to push Eli away, but he kept his grip on her._

_"Swallow it, Clare. All of it. You belong to me, and I am going to make sure you know it. Every last drop is for you. Swallow all of it like a good girl," Eli told her in a gentle tone and then kissed the top of her head. It seemed so out of place in the situation they were now in._

_\ The time had come for Eli to fully claim this angel as his forevermore. Clare was trembling against the seat with her legs spread, her luminous blue eyes filled with tears. It was such a beautiful sight to know Clare would soon find pleasure in her own pain. It just took time to train her._

_Eli reached his hand down to her clit and found she was very wet, all ready for him. "For someone who seems so scared, you are pretty damned wet. I guess this turns you on, Clare Edwards. What a naughty little minx you are." He smirked and grabbed her hips, pulling her onto his lap. _

_Clare turned her head away, closing her eyes as Eli adjusted her over his cock. Her cinnamon curls grazed his face, letting him catch the scent of her vanilla shampoo. One of his favorite scents in the world._

_With one swift movement, Eli thrusted into Clare and broke open her barrier. She screamed out in pain, her body struggling to get away. She beat her fists against him and cried, "Let me go!"_

_Eli just smirked and forced her underneath him. He slammed his cock in and out of her tight pussy, enjoying knowing he was the one who had taken her virginity. Now she belonged to him in every way and there was no way she was going to leave him now. Clare Edwards was fully his, and there was nothing which would change the fact. The ring on her finger was now his, a token to show the prize he claimed._

_He kissed her hard, enjoying the way she tried to fight him. Because in his eyes he saw she was enjoying this too. Clare may have been fighting, but she liked to be punished. He cupped her supple ass with his palm and spanked her, enjoying the pink mark his hand left. Another way to mark what belonged to him._

_She even whimpered when she was spanked. This angel of his had a sexy dark side. The tears were subsiding and she was learning to do what he wanted._

_Eli grabbed Clare's hips and came again, filling her tight pussy with his hot cum. She collapsed beneath him, refusing to meet his eyes._

_He gently kissed her and lifted himself away. "Good girl, Clare. You are much better than Julia was. I see no reason why you would suffer the same fate now. But just to be sure..." Eli reached under the seat and a glint of silver caught the light._

_Clare gasped and moved back in fear. Eli held in his hands a sharp knife and he had a smile on his face. Nothing was making sense anymore. This scary being in front of her was too much to handle, but she could not do anything. Clare did not want to die._

_A knife though. Eli was holding up a knife and smiling at her. _

_"The sharpest thing I found for you. To show you that I mean it when I say you can never leave me. Julia said she would never leave me and now she is no more. I don't think you want to end up where she is, Clare. It is very cold and lonely. Being dead cannot be much fun." Eli smirked and played with the knife in his hands, which kept catching the light of the moon and casting glints on the car. It made Eli happy to have this knife and know he had the power to keep Clare with him. _

* * *

Eli jolted awake with sweat covering his body. He found Clare sleeping next to him quietly, her chest rising and falling gently. She had no idea of the terrible nightmares which plagued him. Now that someone new had come into his life, the long repressed memories of Julia were making their way to the surface. He was confusing a moment he had with Julia many years ago to something which happened in his nightmare with Clare.

He wanted to call it a nightmare because he did not know what else to label it. Eli had secrets of his own from Clare. If she found out, things would not end well. He was dreaming of Julia already being dead and making sure Clare was his. Once again, Eli was back to being his sixteen year old self. He was way too obsessed with death and macabre things. If Clare ever found out what he had been like...what had happened to Julia...

No, he could not afford to think like that. He found a way to find something good in life and wasn't going to let his past ruin it. Clare had enough demons of her own to deal with, adding in his would only end in disaster. Eli was protecting Clare.

Clare stirred for a moment and then resumed sleeping. Eli gently kissed his cheek and hoped there was a way to make sure Clare never found out about his past. Most of all, he also did not want to her to know he was beginning to plan something special for Asher.

Asher would learn to regret the moment he even decided to look at Clare Edwards the wrong way.

"Eli?" Clare murmured with sleep in her voice. "Are you okay?" she looked at him with one eye opened and yawned.

He nodded and said, "Fine. Just weird dreams. Go back to sleep. I am sure your mother wants you to get enough rest during your sleepover at Alli's." Her excuse to stay at his house, sleepover with her best friend. Eli did not like the sneaking around, but that was the way it had to be.

Clare smiled sleepily and said, "You are the best person I know." She laid her head on his chest and fell back asleep. Eli absently stroked her curls until he felt he was calmer.

Protecting Clare and making Asher pay were the only thoughts on his mind as he finally drifted back to sleep.

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**Review please? This one took me a lot of work and I am nervous about it...**


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